fri 10th december 2010

Exactly As You Want Me

Recently, i accidently played a wonderous trick on my mind.

Sometimes, i listen to my own prayer asking for the grace to change for the better, live more in the dharma, stop some things that i kind of think that i shouldn't be doing, do more things that are of service to others etc. Sometimes, i get a bit confused of what it is exactly that i want, and i spontaneously came up with the following simple summery: "O Lord, please let me be exactly as you want me to be."

There i was! Beyond the slightest shadow of a doubt, i know that i always have been, i am and always will be exactly as God wants me to be. Because if He likes to chance me, He surely would. What a glorious self-defeat (and relaxation) of the mind. Thank You.

mon 22nd november 2010

I forgot my belongings,
and lost all senses

I went from door to door in search of the Beloved,
saw Him unveiled once vision of duality was gone.

As Union with the Beloved took place within,
now only He is seen wherever my eyes land.

As I plunged into ocean of the One,
the grip of ego loosened, its presence forgotten.

As the cup-bearer gave cup filled with revelation,
I forgot my belongings, and lost all senses.

Brahm is seen in everything once the Divine Vision matures.

(Sant Ishar Singh)

To The Formidable Unknown

recently, i recognised the relationship between my illusions, the fear of losing them, the pain of losing the energy that kept them alive when they die, the perishability of almost everything, and the little space between all of that and my self.

the ultimate question i am asking myself right now is, how much pain and grief do i need to experience until i do not only understand the rules of the game but also act accordingly and withdraw my energy from all these comforting illusions back into the self.

the process of letting go an illusion is simple but delicate and very much dependent on how much the illusion is defining my personality, the altogether illusion of myself. if the contribution is very big, it seems very difficult to let go, although i know i have to, and although i actually want to.

after forty years of playing and being played, i come to the conclusion that i learn my pivotal lectures only through the experience of almost unbearable pain and agony. like this, i come to appreciate these gifts today. i am excited and scared at the same time to learn the next lectures.

whenever the energy is in the mind or in an emotion, reaction to what is happening there has almost never a healing effect, it is always karmic. either i go for it and lose the energy in a meaningless action, or i go against it and lose the energy in the argument against the impulse, or i chose a strategy to avoid or compensate the entire well known scenario and give rise to another bubble eating up the consciousness. in each case, the energy of the consciousness is dissipated in the fantasies of mind and emotion.

however, i seem to have always the option of withdrawing the energy from the urge back into the centre, by deeply relaxing in the presence and the self-sensory system of the physical body. i think this is the ultimate essence of meditation. this process can be extremely difficult if it is not yet a habit, well trained over years in daily practice, and if certain parties inside the personality have a very strong interest in the action, that means if there is a hidden self going for a compensation agenda of old and well stored frustrations. the successive decomposition of all these illusions about the self if the process of healing.

in the 9th pauri of the anand sahib, the song of bliss, Guru Amardas writes

"offer body, mind and wealth all to the Guru, then you shall see God's will."

at times, it seems that sacrificing the illusions that constitute the mortal personality is much more difficult than surrendering all material wealth and even the physical body. in the 32nd pauri of the same song, You give us hope:

"oh my tongue, you love many tastes, but your thirst is not quenched. your thirst will not be quenched by any method, until you get God's nectar. when you will drink God's nectar, no thirst will ever again trouble you."

bless us with deep understanding and experience of the necessity to sacrifice the attachment to EVERY THING for the only ONE THING that works, and may we find the circumstances, the courage and strength to totally surrender and become never ever again affected in our identity by the terrible play of the opposites slashing across the wild world ocean.

some say this world of samsara is just as the tail of a dog. some other place it is written that we find You only through the love of Your creation. i am sure both is true. bless us with constant wakening in awe for the moment when Your tail brushes away all our illusions in the hurricane of Your love, breaking open our hearts for Your darshan.